Feeling the pressure to be even thinner all around. Going to the castings and see all the castings directors admiring the extremely thin. I look around and observe. Is she smaller than me? I wonder what diet she's on. But I don't think I really want my bones sticking out like that. Is that really what it takes? I look down and my boobs are staring me in the face, I love them but right now I have lots of doubt. Then I start to hate myself for thinking that way. I go home and I'm starving, so many castings I had no time to stop and eat. Maybe that was the trick, but now I am done with my day I can think of nothing else but food. Should I? I don't think so, I hop on the scale and I think I gained a pound, hmmm... maybe not. I guess I should go to bed since I'm so exhausted and weigh myself again in the morning. First thing in the morning I try my best to drink 4 glasses of water, I read somewhere that it is the best thing to do when you wake up (helps cleanse your colon), then I use the bathroom and head over to the scale, much better it was just waste. I go to my room and measure myself, nothing changed but I feel better. Then back for another round of castings, I observe. Is there a reason why so many of them look like young boys? Maybe it's the new thing, oh well I'll try to push my butt forward so I don't look like I have anything back there. Here we go again, stop it; you're beautiful I say but I'm not convinced. Oh my, do you see how thin she is?? Is that really what I want to look like? Everyone tells me how skinny I got but I don't see it, I don't see how I can be since I eat like a pig. But I guess I do see it sometimes. So then why do I still think I need to go down some more? But then I realize, I'm the tallest one there maybe that has something to do with it. Walking to my next casting and I think I felt my thighs rub against each other. I look down but it does not seem possible, I am out of my mind now. Oh my, will God punish me for now appreciating the body that he's blessed me with? Why do I feel like it needs to be accepted by everyone? I don't know. I've got curves, so what? Still a size 2, which should be something special right? I'll go home, look myself in the mirror and smile for a few minutes. Tell myself how much I love me. But I'm afraid, what would happen if I couldn’t say I love you back. I'm here sitting on a train writing this, on the verge of tears. Maybe it's all part of the game. But I love doing shows, when I'm out there I feel like I'm in a world that was meant for me. But I just can't be an anorexic. Can't always have it all now can we???
6 comments:
wow i don't even know how to encourage you.
I think you are beautiful and I think you are struggling because on one hand you at a certain size you still feel beautiful but the ppl who decide whether you work or not are saying your personal standard of beauty may be too fat. I'm torn, for you job you need to be a certain size then it seems like to work regularly you need to be even below that. Even Wakeema/Hollis as much as I love her when i saw her updated showcard I felt so sad about her size. Its also difficult to compare yourself to others when you are as tall as you are. Keep on loving yourself and stay positive. I love your look!
You are beautiful. Don't get thinner, though. Stay strong. Some sense should prevail eventually? Anyway, you will find a few designers who want a model like you.
You are beautiful Mala just be contented with what you got. Like you said do you really want to look like a lil boy?.....Oh hell No! I expect you would be saying. What you see in the mirror is all what you think others might be seeing, but guess what girl. I see confidence, grace and a whole lotta woman.
Hey Mala, have not seen u in person to comment on ur beauty and achievement... well done girl. Ur journal entry is very fascinating and moving... nothing is without challenges my darling; well that I think u know well. sounds like u are on the verge of writing ur biography, huh. Good luck to u and always stay aware, it is that sense of awareness that keeps u focused and ALIVE!
Anne Marie
Hey Mala, saw you for a brief moment in SLU and was like wow! I know the industry is tough but it is a great thing that they are a little more open to some meat than they did before. You have always been skinny hun, even as a little kid in "da sahvan". The best advise is never loose yourself and never disappear(literally too). Stay beautiful and keep doing what you do! Proud of you! You look great and keep standing taller!
Hey,
I can't say i understand your pressures, but i know once you start to look at yourself and wonder if I'm enough it becomes harder each time you look in the mirror.
You depress yourself to fit someone else's idealism. Someone else's way of looking at the world. YOU LOSE YOURSELF!
All i can say is try not to look on the outside cause on the inside there is alot that will measure up and thats all that matter. These things shall pass away and some are only for a time. Don't let experiences take pieces of you, take parts of your experiences and make you better.
JUST BE YOU!
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