Feeling the pressure to be even thinner all around. Going to the castings and see all the castings directors admiring the extremely thin. I look around and observe. Is she smaller than me? I wonder what diet she's on. But I don't think I really want my bones sticking out like that. Is that really what it takes? I look down and my boobs are staring me in the face, I love them but right now I have lots of doubt. Then I start to hate myself for thinking that way. I go home and I'm starving, so many castings I had no time to stop and eat. Maybe that was the trick, but now I am done with my day I can think of nothing else but food. Should I? I don't think so, I hop on the scale and I think I gained a pound, hmmm... maybe not. I guess I should go to bed since I'm so exhausted and weigh myself again in the morning. First thing in the morning I try my best to drink 4 glasses of water, I read somewhere that it is the best thing to do when you wake up (helps cleanse your colon), then I use the bathroom and head over to the scale, much better it was just waste. I go to my room and measure myself, nothing changed but I feel better. Then back for another round of castings, I observe. Is there a reason why so many of them look like young boys? Maybe it's the new thing, oh well I'll try to push my butt forward so I don't look like I have anything back there. Here we go again, stop it; you're beautiful I say but I'm not convinced. Oh my, do you see how thin she is?? Is that really what I want to look like? Everyone tells me how skinny I got but I don't see it, I don't see how I can be since I eat like a pig. But I guess I do see it sometimes. So then why do I still think I need to go down some more? But then I realize, I'm the tallest one there maybe that has something to do with it. Walking to my next casting and I think I felt my thighs rub against each other. I look down but it does not seem possible, I am out of my mind now. Oh my, will God punish me for now appreciating the body that he's blessed me with? Why do I feel like it needs to be accepted by everyone? I don't know. I've got curves, so what? Still a size 2, which should be something special right? I'll go home, look myself in the mirror and smile for a few minutes. Tell myself how much I love me. But I'm afraid, what would happen if I couldn’t say I love you back. I'm here sitting on a train writing this, on the verge of tears. Maybe it's all part of the game. But I love doing shows, when I'm out there I feel like I'm in a world that was meant for me. But I just can't be an anorexic. Can't always have it all now can we???
